You’re Through To Boot Camp

One of the problems facing young people is London is the limited number of places that are available at the business end of the X-Factor. Thousands of ambitious teenagers head to the auditions and yet Gary Barlow only gets to see a few of them at the Boot Camp stage of the competition. And what’s that going to do for their behaviour and confidence, eh?

So, Boris is tackling this problem head on. He has announced that this year a thousand children are set to be set to Boot Camp, giving these lucky people the chance to really perfect their warbly version of Wind Beneath My Wings.

The Mayor has announced the £1.6 million scheme and, it says here in the Standard, it will ‘help reduce truancy and disruption in classes and boost educational achievement’. One can only imagine the downward spiral a teen gets into after being told that they can’t sing Rihanna’s Diamonds at Louis Walsh’s house.

The Standard also reports that ‘many will provide one-to-one support to help with mental health, speech and communication problems.’ Naturally. You’re not going to get onto prime time Saturday night television to be patronised by someone called Tulisa if you can’t communicate, are you?

Mr Johnson said: “There is nothing worse than seeing pupils full of potential slowly drifting into apathy. There are many reasons for low achievement and poor motivation, but our leadership clubs aim to boost morale and unlock the ability in each student.”

The sessions will range from Saturday school schemes using art and music to boost confidence. Initial plans leaked to* Boriswatch suggest that attendees will learn important techniques including the Mariah Carey noodle and the Westlife ‘stool key change’ routine. Other sessions will be strict “boot camp”-style regimes to improve self-discipline and prepare the teens for the rigours of life in the public eye.

Deputy Mayor for Education Munira Mirza said: “Instead of writing off so many young people and making excuses for their problems in and out of school, this scheme is about seeing their potential and motivating them to realise it.

“I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way,” she didn’t add.

(*made up by)