Well, a Happy New Year to all Boriswatch readers. I must admit, it’s been quite a low key one this year, but it was just the ticket for your increasingly-mature website host.
You must be wondering what Boris is doing. You and me both, dear reader. There was no news at all in the run up to Christmas apart from his usual Telegraph column. A mild upturn in the past few days though, with an appearance on the Radio 4 Today programme spouting forth about the three minute silence, and further Boris-attributed words on the whole disaster in the press.
So after the turkey has been digested, discarded or fed to the dog, our thoughts – naturally – turn to Boris in 2005. Now that his skeleton has come out of the closet, will this be a comeback year for the Great Bozza? Will he gradually edge back into view again, delighting us all with his anecdotes and lexicon? And will he, as the Guardian so often demands, have to focus on one career to achieve the heights he deserves? I hope not – but only time will tell.
RED STATES NEWSLETTER
What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You Vol. 1 No.2
RUMSFELD TO IRAQIS: “DON’T FUCK IT UP”
(The Pentagon) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told a gathering of visiting Iraqi electoral officials today that should they mismanage the upcoming January 30 elections that “there would be hell to pay”. When an Iraqi representative pointed out to Mr. Rumsfeld that his nation was already a living hell the secretary replied that hell could also use some democracy and further indicated that military action there may also be pending. Mr. Rumsfeld went on to say that the US would not tolerate the shenanigans which occurred during the last free Iraqi election when Ashurnasirpal The Merciless assumed power after it was determined that a significant number of cuneiform ballots designated for his opponent Ashkuk The Hairy had been marked by dubious styli and thus rejected. In a sad footnote, Mr. Ashkuk was then beheaded.
NEWS FROM IRAQ:
(Baghdad) A meeting of the Greater Baghdad Chamber of Commerce has been scheduled for 8:00 PM this coming Thursday near that big hole in the ground across the street from the destroyed Telecomm building adjacent to the looted National Museum.
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY OFFICIALLY ON BACK-UP
(Somewhere Below Ground) In a candid interview with RSN, the lead physician responsible for the ongoing care of the vice-president has indicated that Mr. Cheney has officially been switched to a “back-up” heart and cardio-vascular system and appears to be doing well. According to Dr. Raymond Rheinstone, “the vice-president is a remarkable physical specimen. Not only does he possess two complete functioning hearts, but also several stomachs and even a swim bladder!
The truth is we really don’t know if he’s superhuman or perhaps some form of seaborne fossil ungulate”.
THE WHITEHOUSE GOIN TO THE DOGS
(The Green Room.) Earlier this week The President and First Lady warmly welcomed a new addition to the White House family. Mrs. Beazley has arrived! No, no hold on there folks, we’re not talking about some strange guest from some far off place, but a fuzzy little Scottish Terrier. Yes that’s right, the First Family has chosen a pet in hopes of relieving some of the stress and tension that Mr. and Mrs. Bush have been enduring lately. Just a pup, the pooch is also expected to advise Mr. Bush on such important issues as where to pee, which White House Rooms are really scary and where Bill and Monica may have also had
Dunno what that other comment is all about. Mine has a point, though, and is fairly relevant:
(http://tinyurl.com/4hmjb)
2005 has to be a better year for Boris, doesn’t it?